Tiger Woods: To Join UFC?

Las Vegas, Nevada (SUN) - Tiger Woods, the greatest athlete of all time, has decided to join the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Woods stated that "Golf is a pussy sport that requires no energy whatsoever. I am the greatest athlete ever and I'm here to prove that I can dominate other sports as well. I won the U.S. Open on one fucking leg, so I can definitely kill a bunch of overgrown monkeys." A combination of super fast Asian martial arts and African strength, Woods has the game and skills to take on the best of the UFC. Dana White, UFC CEO, has informed us of his opinion that "this fucker needs to take his shit elsewhere, like curling or squash, but his money making ability is second to none" Tiger's first fight will be fought at the Heavyweight division against current title holder Randy Couture. Couture said that he will "pummel his chisled ass into the ground." Tiger has replied that he "isn't afraid of a big bitch" and "I'll take that motherfucker down with my Nike sponsored fists." Following Woods' sudden departure from the PGA Tour, rumors have arisen that the PGA Tour has expelled Woods' for his alleged unhumaness.
And there you have it, Strait Up.