Strait Up News

Scientists Determine Chinese hurdler Liu Xiang to be Black

2008-07-29T17:49:00.000-07:00

Beijing, China (SUN) - When Chinese hurdler Liu Xiang won the 2004 gold medal in the 110 hurdles in Athens, Greece he questioned his own ancestry stating, "I am [Chinese] and considering the physiology of the Chinese people, it is something unbelievable." After being blown by Xiang in a record 12.88 seconds, a confused 2004 silver medalist Terrence Trammell said, "there's no way that motherfucker's Chinese, no fucking way." Scientists at the Nike headquarters in Beaverton, Oregon developing a new, lightweight track shoe customized specifically for Xiang first discovered something strange when parts of his skin started to rub off when contacted with saline during a routine physical. A source who wished to remain anonymous for legal reasons explained, "[His skin] just started chipping off, in bits, and the color of his skin underneath was a dark brown." Scientists are still baffled by the origins of his slanted eyes and further research is being done by the Nike scientists. Xiang was unable to reach for comment.
And there you have it, Strait Up.

Barack Obama Presidential Eligibility Dispute

2008-07-28T06:39:00.000-07:00

Washington D.C. (SUN) - Democratic Party front-runner Barack Obama's presidential eligibility has been called into question due to recent allegations that his Honolulu Hawaii birth certificate is forged. After careful cross examination of Barack's parents' travel receipts and Barack's birth date, it has been discovered that Barack's supposed birth in Hawaii occurred three months prior to when his parents first entered the United States. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger took a particular interest in our research stating "Barack is a girly man, I should be king of the Americas!". According to the Constitution only American born citizens can run for president. Some foreign born politicians such as Schwarzenegger have attempted to (in his words) "...terminate the Constitution!" but still most Americans want someone raised on American soil to take on the role of president. With this information now public the CIA will be taking further examination of Obama's past. In the likely event that Obama is barred from the presidential election, Democrats will surely turn to Hillary Clinton to be their new presidential candidate. While speaking to Hillary about her feelings toward re-entering the presidential race she said "I beat Barack fair and square it's time for him to move on". Also she divulged that in order to get more Austrian voters, Clinton has chosen Schwarzenegger as her running mate. As he kicked down our door to leave the interview Arnold remarked "I'll be back Oval Office!". The 2009 presidential election just got interesting.
And there you have it, Strait Up.

Tiger Woods: To Join UFC?

2008-07-27T17:36:00.000-07:00

Las Vegas, Nevada (SUN) - Tiger Woods, the greatest athlete of all time, has decided to join the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Woods stated that "Golf is a pussy sport that requires no energy whatsoever. I am the greatest athlete ever and I'm here to prove that I can dominate other sports as well. I won the U.S. Open on one fucking leg, so I can definitely kill a bunch of overgrown monkeys." A combination of super fast Asian martial arts and African strength, Woods has the game and skills to take on the best of the UFC. Dana White, UFC CEO, has informed us of his opinion that "this fucker needs to take his shit elsewhere, like curling or squash, but his money making ability is second to none" Tiger's first fight will be fought at the Heavyweight division against current title holder Randy Couture. Couture said that he will "pummel his chisled ass into the ground." Tiger has replied that he "isn't afraid of a big bitch" and "I'll take that motherfucker down with my Nike sponsored fists." Following Woods' sudden departure from the PGA Tour, rumors have arisen that the PGA Tour has expelled Woods' for his alleged unhumaness.
And there you have it, Strait Up.

Batman 3 "The Knight Who Shagged Me"

2008-07-27T17:12:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles, California (SUN) - Warner Bros. to take a new approach in the upcoming Batman 3 (like biggest opening weekend wasn't good enough). The execs have decided to make their the third movie of the Batman trilogy an action comedy, Rush Hour 4 anyone? Christian Bale's recent run-in with the law forced director Christopher Nolan to recast the part of Bruce Wayne. Matthew McConaughey reported to us that he is "stoked" (his words not mine) to be taking up the role of the masked vigilante in what is sure to be a huge 2009 summer blockbuster. In addition, Maggie Gyllenhaal is being replaced by Wanda Sykes after Maggie's poor performance in "The Dark Knight". After recent racial tension on set between Morgan Freeman and Michael Caine, Warner Bros execs felt the need for some racial comic relief, and felt Sykes would fit the role of Rachel Dawes well. Also, McConaughey wanted added experience taking his shirt off in front of minorities. To research his role McConaughey traveled to france where he undertook eight week intensive parkour and BASE jumping training. Batman 3 "The Knight Who Shagged Me" is sure to trump it's predecessor "The Dark Knight" by overtaking the world record for biggest opening weekend. We here at "Strait Up News" can't wait to catch next year's biggest summer blockbuster.
And there you have it, Strait Up.